Dear Eric: I’ve been thinking about divorce for a while now, but I’m terrified of what it might do to our kids. I feel like my marriage is no longer working. My husband and I are no longer on the same page with what we want. But every time I think about taking the step to separate, I can’t shake the fear that the divorce process will have a lasting negative effect on my children.
I keep asking myself the question, “How can I protect them from all the stress and hurt that comes with a divorce?” I’m also worried that the kids might feel like they’re being torn between two sides, or worse, that they’ll feel responsible in some way.
I’ve heard of other ways to divorce, like mediation or collaborative divorce, but I’m not sure how they work or if they’re really any better. I don’t want to make the wrong choice and make things harder on my kids in the long run. Do you have any advice for how to handle this?
– Want What’s Best
Dear Best: Your concern is shared by so many parents considering or going through divorce. While it’s impossible to know what impact any parental action is going to have on a child, research and reaching out to those with knowledge and experience can set you up to make the most informed decision. To that end, you should talk to an attorney with experience in collaborative divorce. This is not a commitment; it’s education. If you were buying a house, you’d talk to a realtor. That doesn’t commit you to working with the realtor or buying a house at all, but it teaches you what the process involves. Talking to an attorney can also help you understand your rights and ways of protecting yourself and your kids.
In her book “Talking to Children About Divorce,” Jean McBride writes “divorced parents often must be better at communicating with each other than they were when they were married.” That process can also start now. Even though you and your husband aren’t on the same page about what you want, it’s not too late – or too early – to talk through ways that you both can preserve a healthy environment for the kids. McBride’s book is a wonderful resource for starting and navigating those conversations.
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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.