The Musketeers, Blind Mice, Stooges, and Little Piggies weren’t lying when they propagated the idea that three is the magic number—and many sexually active adults would agree. While it’s difficult to suss out precisely how many people have had or want to have three-person sex, having a threesome (or moresome) is the most common sexual fantasy among Americans, according to one 2018 study.
Much of the magic of a ménage à trois lies in its pleasure potential. Threesomes, like solo sex and two-person play, offer an opportunity to enjoy touch and orgasm, explains Rachel Wright, LMFT, a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. However, because there are multiple sources of touch (read: six hands, rather than two or four), three-person play can supply even more stimulation, sensation, and satisfaction, she says.
There are other potential perks, too, depending on your relationship status or structure. For a pre-existing couple, “having sex with a third person can provide sexual satisfaction and reignite excitement,” says Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and sex expert with the sexual wellness award platform SXWA. “Threesomes also allow couples to explore certain sexual curiosities, fantasies, and kinks within a trusted environment.” And they don't just unleash physical intimacy—threesomes can unlock emotional intimacy, too. “Having a threesome requires couples to talk openly about their desires, boundaries, and comfort levels, which can lead to a healthy relationship overall,” Berkheimer adds.
Meanwhile, “threesomes can be appealing to singles who enjoy the idea of being the center of attention or exploring sexual dynamics that just aren’t possible in one-on-one encounters,” says Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, a sexologist, sex coach, and author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinvesting Sex For Women. Linking up with a preexisting couple (often called being a "unicorn") allows the non-attached person to bask in the love, warmth, and connection of a committed (often monogamous) partnership, says Berkheimer.
Finally, for individuals in a triad—a three-person partnership, wherein all individuals are committed to and involved with one another—three-person sex functions as a celebration of that relationship, says Wright.
That hotel scene in Challengers (you know the one) may have made threesomes look like something that just happen without much forethought or verbal back-and-forth. But off-screen, taking a threesome from the land of fantasy to the realm of reality requires a whole lot of conversation—no matter your relationship status or structure. Ahead, sex and relationship therapists share everything you need to know about discussing, prepping for, and having the threesome of your (wet) dreams.
How To Introduce The Idea of A Threesome
If you’re currently partnered:
If you’re in a monogamous, two-person relationship—or in an open relationship but typically date (and mate) separately—broach the topic with compliments, curiosity, and candor, says Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, associate professor in the Department of Human Communication Studies at California State University and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast. She recommends starting the convo with “something positive about the sex you’re already having with your partner,” she says. A line like, “I love sexually connecting with you, and I feel so lucky to be with such a generous and sexy partner” will communicate from the get-go that your proposition isn’t rooted in sexual dissatisfaction.
Next, you’ll want to suss out their interest in three-way sex and use “I” statements to express how you feel about the idea, says Suwinyattichaiporn. You could say:
- I read an interesting article today about threesomes that made me think they could be pleasurable for us. What’s your opinion on threesomes?
- I’ve had this fantasy in my mind, and you make me feel safe and seen, so I want to share it with you. Would hearing about my threesome fantasy be of interest to you?
Whether your partner responds enthusiastically or not, you won’t be able to tie the conversation up with a perfect bow. Still, you’ll want to chat through what (ahem) comes next—if anything. “If they’re interested, too, [you] might suggest watching threesome porn together to get started or listening to a podcast together about threesomes,” says Suwinyattichaiporn. If they aren’t, you could propose returning to the conversation in a couple of months, suggest an alternative that could help fulfill the threesome fantasy amongst yourselves, or invite them to talk about their fantasies.
If you’re currently single:
If you’re flying solo, you might want to start the process by joining a kink-friendly app like Feeld, #Open, Grindr, or Adult Friend Finder, where people explicitly state their desires in their bios, suggests Gunsaullus.
Alternatively, you could float the idea of a threesome past two single pals (or a couple) in your extended social sphere. In these situations, you should let your pre-existing knowledge about the individual’s sexuality, sexual tastes, and relationship dynamics inform how you frame your invitation—after all, you want to make sure you’re not making anyone uncomfortable or disrespecting the bounds of their relationship.
The following lines could work, per Wright:
- If you’d both be interested in a threesome with yours truly, please let the official record show that I’m game.
- I’d like to respectfully plant the seed of the three of us having a no-strings-attached threesome.
- I’m not sure if you two have never considered having a threesome, but I’d be honored to be your third.
You could also attend a lifestyle club or sex party where group play is common, says Berkheimer.
How To Prep For A Threesome
1. Figure out what you want.
Before you let two others into your bedroom, you need to get into your own mind. “There are really no limits to what a threesome could look like,” according to Wright. “But what do you want it to look like?”
Take some time with your Notes app—or vibrator—to consider what you want your three-person coitus to look like. Do you want to be the center of attention, or do you want lavish licks on a third alongside your lover? Do you want to lean into exhibitionist or voyeuristic tendencies? Are there any particular sex acts or pleasure products you’ve been wanting to explore with two other people? How do you want to feel during and after?
“If you’re in a triad, you can then share these desires with your two partners to make them happen—while if you’re in a couple, you can use them as a base to come up with agreements,” Wright says.
2. Get honest about sexual and emotional needs.
As far as threesomes are concerned, honesty isn’t only the best policy—it’s a prerequisite. “It's crucial for all parties involved to have a frank and thorough discussion about their sexual health, emotional boundaries, physical needs, and expectations,” says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida's Love Discovery Institute.
Naturally, this discussion should cover practical matters such as everyone’s current STI status and barrier and contraceptive preferences, she says. “But each person should also express their boundaries and any triggers or discomforts,” Pataky says. For example, now’s the time to mention if touching a certain body part is a no-go for you, or if being called certain names in bed spurs (negative) flashbacks.
“Everyone should also use this time to discuss any areas of concern or abilities,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Rufus Spann, PhD, founder of Libido Health. "Each person’s body is different, and there might be sensitive areas, injuries, and physical limitations that might make certain sexual acts, positions, or physical actions not for them."
3. Make a game plan.
No, you don’t need to pre-plan every lick and flick. But, just as you’d have a sense of your route and rest stops before embarking on a road trip, you should also have a general sense of where you’re, uh, driving. “Talking about what each person hopes to gain from the encounter helps to align everyone's understanding, increase pleasure, and avoid misunderstandings,” says Pataky.
Specifically, before any clothing comes off, Suwinyattichaiporn says you should have the answers to:
- What are each person’s green (totally okay), yellow (not sure), and red light (absolutely not) activities?
- What’s the desired attention ratio for everybody involved? (For example, in a heterosexual "MMF" threesome, the two men are usually focusing on the woman and not each other. On the other hand, if everyone involved is bisexual or queer, they might all focus their attention on one another equally.)
- What is our plan for aftercare, as well as what happens after that?
Planning doesn’t just mean plotting what parts are going where and when. If you and your S.O. are doing this together, “it's also wise to talk about how to handle any feelings that might arise during or after the experience, such as jealousy or attachment, to ensure that all participants feel respected and cared for,” says Pataky.
4. Prep your space.
Now that you have a sense of what will go down, it’s time to secure your space and then outfit it accordingly.
Depending on living arrangements, as well as the post-sex sleeping plan, you may want to book a hotel room, Airbnb, or sex dungeon with the needed kink set-up, number of beds, or mattress sizes, says Wright. If you’re planning on having your sexperience at home, you may also need to schedule a sleepover for your kiddos or hire a petsitter.
You’ll also want to come prepared with barrier methods and hygiene supplies. If you have mutually decided that analingus is on the table with dental dams, for example, you’ll want to ensure you have those tools on hand, Wright says. Other pleasure products to have handy include a sex blanket (for squirt or pee), a sex wedge (for positioning), sex wax or oil (for massages), and fully-charged vibrators.
How To Have A Threesome
1. Ease into it.
Rather than going from zero to three-way, “begin with an activity that involves all participants,” suggests Pataky.
“Netflix and chill” is a tried-and-true fave for three-person play, too. But depending on the vibe, you might also start with an emotionally and mentally connective activity, such as a conversation card game. We’re Not Really Strangers: Adult Version and Where Should We Begin? are good picks for setting the mood.
“Another option is to suggest a group massage, which can help to break the ice and set a tone of mutual pleasure and respect,” Pataky says.
2. Remember that everyone involved is a person.
Hey, couples, this tip is for you: “The third person you’re inviting into bed is not just a prop to your fantasy,” says Gunsaullus. “They’re real human beings with emotions, boundaries, and needs, and treating them with respect and kindness before, during, and after the encounter is essential.”
During play, that means honoring the boundaries and preferences they expressed ahead of time and adjusting to their needs in the moment, she says. It also means remembering that they might have unexpected feelings or jealousy flares if, for example, the couple pays more attention to each other than them. With that, if someone indicates (verbally or nonverbally) that they are starting to get in their head, both other people should take a beat to check in on them.
Additionally, because sex can heighten connections and feelings, it is common for the third to feel more vulnerable than initially expected and need additional aftercare post-sex, says Spann.
3. Explore various positions.
If there’s one word that best describes threesomes, it's fluid. “[The] roles of giving and receiving [in a threesome] can change and change and change,” Dossie Easton, LMFT, a psychologist and co-author of The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, previously told Women’s Health.
Regardless of the anatomy involved, an oral sex extravaganza is a great starting point. One option is to arrange your bodies in a triangulated position on the bed so that all parties are the giver and receiver (this is known as daisy chaining). Another option is for one partner to lie on their back, with their legs spread and mouth busy.
From here, you could explore classic threesome positions like the Eiffel Tower, Missionary Double Penetration, or the Three-Way Spoon.
4. Speak up.
Maybe you need more lube and less pressure, more eye contact and less depth, or more lips and less tongue. Whatever it is, “speak up if something doesn’t feel right or you want to change something,” says Suwinyattichaiporn. “In a threesome, your pleasure is your responsibility.”
5. Check in.
And make sure to listen, too. Hopefully, everyone involved will also feel comfortable sharing their needs as the night progresses. But even so, “regularly checking in with the group is vital for ensuring everyone feels good, heard, and valued in the moment,” says Berkheimer. Being attuned to body language for signals and simply asking ‘How does this feel?’ can keep everyone feeling positive and on the same page, she says.
Ongoing check-ins can also help manage jealousy. “You can more easily pause if anyone is uncomfortable and adjust as needed,” she says.
What To Do Afterwards
So, you did it—and hopefully enjoyed yourselves! But rather than balling up the now-damp sheets, hopping into the shower, or zonking off in a post-sex daze, it’s essential to check in on everyone with aftercare.
It is common for individuals to feel vulnerable, jealous, or self-critical after a threesome, says Suwinyattichaiporn. “Some people start to wonder if the third was better than them or feel shame for having sex outside of sexual monogamy,” she says. “Aftercare is vital because it allows you to give each other affection, warmth, and affirmations.” This helps everyone leave the threesome feeling good.
In the following days, Berkheimer suggests that couples who invited a third process the encounter together in a follow-up conversation. “Each partner should express what they enjoyed, any surprises, and the emotions that surfaced,” she says. You should also talk about whether boundaries were upheld during the encounter, address any moments of discomfort, and gauge each other’s interest in pursuing similar experiences again or exploring new avenues together, she says.
Whether the threesome was the best thing since sliced bread or wasn’t all that and a bag of chips, “creating a safe space for discussing these emotions openly and compassionately, can ultimately strengthen trust and connection,” Berkheimer says. Oh, and it is good manners to text any third party you invited into your bedroom to compliment or thank them and check in on how they’re feeling.
Ultimately, having a threesome can be pleasurable, exciting, and deeply intimate. But just like other sexual configurations, it needs to be approached with a commitment to care, open communication, and willingness to address sticky emotions.
Meet the experts: Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, is a sexologist and expert with the sexual wellness award platform SXWA. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sexologist, sex coach, and author of From Madness to Mindfulness: Reinvesting Sex For Women. Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, PhD, is an associate professor in the Department of Human Communication Studies at California State University and host of the Luvbites by Dr. Tara podcast. Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, is a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida's Love Discovery Institute. Rufus Spann, PhD, is an AASECT-certified sex therapist and founder of Libido Health.
Gabrielle Kassel (she/her) is a sex and wellness journalist who writes at the intersection of queerness, sexual health, and pleasure. In addition to Women’s Health, her work has appeared in publications such as Shape, Cosmopolitan, Well+Good, Health, Self, Men’s Health, Greatist, and more! In her free time, Gabrielle can be found coaching CrossFit, reviewing pleasure products, hiking with her border collie, or recording episodes of the podcast she co-hosts called
