Don’t let melodrama obscure hurtful truths

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My problem is I’m in love with two women.

I’m a guy with a girlfriend of less than a year’s time and I really thought I was falling in love with her, but now my first love from high school has left her girlfriend (she’s bisexual) and come back to Manitoba from another province to tell me she still loves me.

She says she wants me back and claims she’s willing to fight to get me.

She also says she wants to have a child with me and called our breakup “the worst mistake ever.”

In her last letter to me when we split, she called her new lesbian relationship “the great awakening of her life.” She can be dramatic.

Yesterday, my girlfriend heard my ex was back in town and came over to my place unannounced. She walked in and caught me and my ex hugging and crying in each other’s arms, and that definitely set things off.

My old girlfriend is the one I think I love right now, but I don’t know for absolute sure. I need to resolve this fast. I’m really worried though — would my ex just end up missing the intimacy of a woman once she had me back long enough that we had a child?

Call me cynical, but I have bled from the heart before at her doing.

— Suspicious Mind, River Heights

Dear Suspicious: When someone makes a dramatic plea like this — driving across the country to beg to get back with you — then you may just be in love with the drama that has unfolded. It no doubt involved a lot of apologies and praise for you, but don’t let yourself be swept away by stage technique.

This former love dumped you before and is back now saying she is missing having a child in her life. If you took her back and got her pregnant, would she leave you again and go back to her female love and want to take the child with her? The pain of that would likely be unbearable.

As for your partner here in town, who is decimated by the embrace she found you in, don’t waste any more of her precious time, as you have clearly demonstrated you don’t love her to any great depth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got in a fight at the bar and got kicked out. The problem is the people who go to that particular bar are my family, even though we’re not related.

I’m not an alcoholic, but I do like to drink after work, relax and play pool and VLTs. I just drank a lot that night and unfortunately mouthed off to one of the big guys who works the bar. I found myself suddenly escorted out to the parking lot. No police were called, but I got the boot. But for how long?

I can’t remember much about the details. Where do I go from here? That bar was my second home.

— Reformed Loudmouth, West Kildonan

Dear Loudmouth: I’d recommend you phone the bar and sincerely apologize to one of the managers. You can ask how long you’ve been barred, but it would probably be a good idea to take a bit of a break from attending that particular watering hole.

You should also talk to your friends about how they view your behaviour of late and also the extent of your drinking and its impact.

Ask them specifically about negative behaviour (swearing, arguing or annoying bar employees) they may have noticed. Whether or not you’re allowed back into the bar, you really need to avoid these kinds of things.

You should also consider it might be time to connect with Alcoholics Anonymous (aamanitoba.org) or the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (afm.mb.ca) about counselling or just moral support if your drinking is negatively impacting your work or social life.

Some people worry they’ll lose all their friends if they stop drinking, but many who’ve sought help through AA or other organizations say they’ve ended up making more real friends that way than they ever did at the bars.

Please send questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.