Veterans Voices: Some gave all

Execution of these responsibilities by the spouse can bring with it impacts to health and well-being, while making time for self-care secondary to caring for everyone else in the household.

So very difficult for them.

I thought about the nearly two decades of permanent overseas assignments that, alone, severely impacted my family. Not counting the months and months of temporary deployments throughout the Middle East, Far East, Europe, and Africa when they had no idea where I was, or when, and sometimes if, I would be returning.

The very worst memory was my wife’s first view of the United States as a foreigner who spoke no English. Who could not drive, did not know our currency, shopped with a handful of cash outstretched for payment at the stores in the hope proper change was returned. Who, a few months after this terrible transition, found me coming home with the bad news I was returning to the Vietnam War. You can only imagine the stress placed upon her.

However, a few days later a military compromise was received offering deployment to Thailand for six months to support the war and be removed from the direct in-country Vietnam War assignment. Living in an apartment complex with other military families at our U.S. residence she found some support available for her and the baby. We discussed the offering, and she said that it was better than me going to war and possibly getting killed.

Somehow, she would make it through those months while learning to speak and understand English. Viewing our small black and white television using English from the famous western show Bonanza and various soap operas in order to comprehend America and survive in a strange land.

But things got worse for her.

A few months into my Thailand deployment, I was notified that my military specialty was needed immediately elsewhere, our previous compromise was null and void, and I was being sent to the Vietnam War. Allowing only two weeks to return home and get my private life in order.

Returning to the U.S., I sold and pawned everything owned from our car and furniture to clothing and even food out of our cupboard and flew my wife and baby at our cost back to her home to Germany while I went off to war for a year.

Yes, it was difficult for them but more was to come.

I remembered the day my wife told me about the time when a chaplain and several military personnel came to our home’s front door in Germany, informing her I had been hospitalized in the Vietnam War but reasons why or how bad I was doing were yet to be disclosed.

Or another similar occurrence when she was at the base shopping center when an announcement came over the speaker system asking her to come to the main office, responding to once again find a chaplain and several military personnel waiting to inform her I was seriously ill and hospitalized in Teheran, Iran, after being poisoned.

Think of the stress those moments caused.

I remember our moving to a multi-year military overseas assignment and my daughter was now entering high school. Except, there was no school at our new location. Her options being having dad decide whether to send her to live in a barracks in Spain with other high schoolers in the same predicament, or send her to the U.S. to reside with someone and attend school locally. The latter being the choice dad made for safety and security, the latter probably being one of the most difficult periods of her young life. As it was for mom, dad and son.

I remember my son growing up without dad’s supervision and guidance. Not there for graduations, sports, companionship, and most importantly my love.

I remember my wife working, in almost slave-labor environments on assembly lines in Europe during long hours with salaries sometimes less than $1.50 an hour. Income needed to offset my military monthly salary of $271.50 and small housing allowance of $105 being received to somehow support her and our daughter.

I remember the difficulty for them during the 11 different household moves. From apartments, to condos, to houses, and over and over again throughout the U.S. and Europe. Leaving friends, gaining new friends, leaving friends again.

Even after my retirement more stress was placed upon us after our son served multiple deployments into the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan as an Army Green Beret, coming home to now struggle and live life with many health and injury issues. I don’t just see a Veteran, I see a family member and totally disabled war hero.

Yes, it is difficult for military families. I definitely know it was for mine.

Military spouses experience higher rates of mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, when compared to the general population. Studies show significant levels of stress and difficulties in accessing mental health services. It can lead to suicide. Most spouse suicides being from those less than 40 years of age and 57 percent having their spouse on active duty. In 2021, alone, 5 percent of active-duty spouses said that they considered suicide during the past year.

Recent statistics released by the Department of Defense (DoD), however, have revealed increasing numbers of some military Veteran family suicides. Suicide rates for them gradually increased from 2011 to 2022, the best data available. In 2022, in addition to 93 military spouses doing so, 53 dependents took their own lives.

In the past year, 44 percent of spouses have seen a counselor in their spouse/partner’s active-duty career, with 21 percent of spouses having seen a counselor in the past six months. Adding to this problem is the fact that 21 percent of spouses are unemployed and they spend an average of 19 weeks looking for work.

It is definitely difficult for our families.

I dug those statistics above out of various DoD reports, sad numbers after sad numbers being reported. Spouses, sons and daughters taking their lives or contemplating it. Not statistics or numbers, but very tragically our loved ones suffering to a point of considering or implementing suicide.

There is absolutely no shame in asking for help. If you are a veteran’s spouse or family member having difficulty and are thinking, “There are so many people who are worse off than me, I don’t need help,” please understand that you are important, your concerns matter, and you are worth it. You owe it to yourself and those who love you to take care of yourself.

Know that everyone goes through ups and downs, and we all need help learning how to cope when it feels like life becomes a pressure-cooker. I read somewhere online that you should think of it like folding a fitted sheet: it’s a seemingly impossible task but, once you learn how to tackle it, not only does it become more manageable, but you also wonder why it ever seemed impossible.

Speaking with a mental health professional can give you a toolkit to take control of your feelings, emotions, and responses to difficult situations. All you need to do is ask.

As the spouse of a service member, you have ready access to health care services, and that includes mental health. You can start by speaking with your primary care provider to point you in the right direction. For America’s military spouses, Military OneSource is the place to find practical and proven information and to connect with experts, useful resources and powerful tools for living your best military life. From building stronger relationships to building your next career, Military OneSource is the best place to begin. For more information, go to https://www.militaryonesource.mil/

There, military spouses can access various mental health resources including confidential counseling, support groups, and the Military Crisis Line for immediate help. As well as accessing VA mental health services through the VA. These Defense Department services can be accessed 24/7/365 around the world. Military OneSource counselors are available for free, short-term, solution-focused, confidential counseling services for a wide range of issues, including relationship conflicts, stress management, parenting issues, coping with grief and loss, and managing deployments.

Military OneSource counselors are professionals with a master’s or doctoral degree (in psychology, counseling, social work or marriage and family counseling) and a license to practice independently. Sessions can take place in person, over the phone or via secure video or online chat.

Service members and Veterans who are in crisis or having thoughts of suicide, and those who know someone in crisis, can call the Veterans/Military Crisis Line for confidential support at 988 and Press 1, text 838225, or chat online at MilitaryCrisisLine.net.

I sincerely hope that if you know or see a spouse or child of a Veteran, go up to them and show them your appreciation for their service. Remember the countless families who served with honor, with unparalleled difficulty and with unbelievable sacrifices for our country.

Never forget them.

They are heroes.

Finally, to my family. Thank you Renate, Diana and Kelly. You were the anchors to any successes I had over those many years of service. Thank you for your sacrifices for America. I love you with all my heart and soul.

John Stewart is a retired Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and disabled Vietnam War veteran. In 2016 he was inducted into the Florida Veterans Hall of Fame. His columns are sourced from public, government and private information. Content is checked for accuracy as best as possible; however, you have the responsibility to confirm content validity before committing any related actions.