Readers, I’m going to do my very best to write this review, but you’ll have to forgive me if it isn’t my best work: I estimate that a third of my brain cells were massacred during my first viewing of “A Minecraft Movie,” and another third bit the dust the second time around. Can I sue Jared Hess or something? I mean, thank god I’m not pre-med anymore. Let’s not even try to imagine the damage I’d do down the line to whatever poor soul was under my scalpel after that two-hundred-minute fever dream (in 3D, no less).
“A Minecraft Movie” is directed by the aforementioned Jared Hess, who (along with his wife Jerusha Hess) delivered such classics as “Napoleon Dynamite” and “Nacho Libre.” Hess brings the movie’s titular sandbox game to the big screen with the sort of avant-garde whimsy that only a lifelong Mormon can provide: I’m vaguely in awe of the kind of brain that can write dialogue like this while dead sober and uncaffeinated.
Furthermore, the film stars a frankly bizarre cast of characters; including Jack Black as an erratic version of Minecraft’s default avatar, Steve, Jason Momoa in a pink leather jacket, Danielle Brooks (who I actually don’t even have a snide comment about), and two of the most boring child actors of all time. Oh, and we can’t forget Jennifer Coolidge and her villager meet-cute side plot.
The standout character here is Jason Momoa, not because of any aptitude as an actor but rather because his performance evoked a rapt attention in me that is typically only inspired by car crashes. Genuinely, I have never said this before in my life, but I truly believe this movie may have been a humiliation ritual of some sort. It was so base and abject that, eventually, around the one hour mark of the first viewing, my disdain started to mutate into a sexual objectification so gripping I was forced to reevaluate the depth of my famed sadistic streak. For reference, I recently swooned over a scene of a man drinking large quantities of blood so quickly I thought he was about to vomit like he pushed Thanksgiving too far (hot?), and what this movie did to Jason Momoa still tested my limits.
As a whole, this movie was bad in about every way a movie can possibly be bad. Its writing was frankly incomprehensible, its CGI was disturbing, and the vast majority of its characters were almost intolerably insufferable. However, I’m not quite pretentious enough to pretend the purpose of “A Minecraft Movie” is to provide a great work of art to an adult population of English majors: Obviously, it’s a blockbuster product selling nostalgia in return for Jack Black figurines and pink stuffed sheep revenue. Maybe that’s what’s disappointing about it: I simply didn’t feel that much nostalgia.
Yes, there were little glimpses of the Minecraft experience I remember from lying with my siblings on the living room carpet for hours in the summer, but over all, those moments felt far-between and artificial: less like a love letter to the game and more like a battery of t-shirt cannon fire at a baseball game when morale starts to lag.
But maybe that’s a me problem? After all, I was less of a, “let’s go to the Nether!” girl and more of an, “I got distracted running around and now I have to wait for sunrise in a hole in the ground because I forgot to bring a bed” girl.
Even so, my fellow viewers seemed to agree with me that certain aspects were so far removed from their memories of the game that they felt a vague sense of haughty disdain. In particular, I felt a spike of outrage at the main character for building a luxurious, multi-story, 8×8 fort as mobs closed in. God, what is wrong with you? This is not the time! This is a 4×4 situation, at best. Actually, whatever happened to digging a hole in the ground like the good old days? You go down three, put one on top, and wait seven minutes. It’s not rocket science, guys.
I’m being petty, though (unfortunately, I’m only inspired to write when I’m tipsy off haterade). Believe it or not, I did laugh quite a bit at this movie, although perhaps that’s because I’m generally an easily amused person. Say what you will about the movie, but “A Minecraft Movie” cannot be accused of not committing to the bit. It remains fully cringeworthy, dedicated to its atrocious storyline and its even more atrocious characters, juggernauting through its runtime with the reckless abandon of a baby zombie riding a chicken with nothing to lose. Much of that credit can be given to its cast; particularly Black, Momoa, and even Coolidge, who serve as the over-the-top comic relief in comparison to the more level-headed characters; but recognition is also due to Brooks, Myers, and (reluctantly) Hansen for their resolve in the face of this unrelenting absurdism.
For better or worse, “A Minecraft Movie” chose its path and did not deviate from it, and for that I have some begrudging respect: Did it suck? Yeah, pretty much. Did I enjoy it? Also yeah, pretty much. Ultimately, would I recommend it? I don’t think I want that weight on my conscience, but to be honest it would be a shame if Jason Momoa’s humiliation ritual was all for naught: I don’t know what kind of inner demons he’s fighting, but if “A Minecraft Movie” was the only path forward, the poor guy’s days must be numbered.
