How I’ll Die Thanks to a Radioactive Hurricane: Don’t Watch This; Watch That, Week 2

I have done exactly two physically impressive things in my life: one was surviving an attempt by Minneapolis Washburn Miller-turned Minnesota Golden Gopher-turned-Atlanta Falcon Rashede Hageman to murder me (legally, of course), on a punt attempt.

Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

The other was running an actual race, contested fairly among adults.

This was something like 2011, back when mini-versions of “The Amazing Race” were popular: you and a partner would go to a city, where an organizer whould meet the 20-30 teams at a local bar. They would give you a set of trivia questions that would explain to you where to run—i.e., “1996 Chris Farley/David Spade flick”—and you would, using only your legs or public transit, make your way to Black Sheep Pizza in downtown St. Paul.

To be clear: my then-girlfriend, now-wife, wanted to do this.

I did not. I hated running then, and I hate it even more now.

But I got tricked, you see, because much like Ron Swanson—

So away we went, hitting up 15-20 clues around the city. We, stupidly, took no public transit. The team that came in first place knew the bus lines, and they finished a few minutes ahead of us. Oh well—second prize was something like $100, and we were thrilled.

Except! The first-place team had missed a stop! They were disqualified! We won!

I still have the glass plaque in my office today.

First prize, though, not only came with something like $250—which I’m sure we pissed away almost immediately on a nice dinner and a couple bottles cases of Boone’s Farm—but with automatic entry to the National Finals (or whatever they were called) in New Orleans.

Neither of us had ever been. We knew we wouldn’t be competitive—you could see other winners’ times from other cities and we...well, we were going to be there to have fun—but you can’t pass up a relatively-cheap trip to New Orleans, right?

Away we went—staying at some shit hotel in Metairie and taking public transit into the city, with the hopes we’d get a leg on the finals. The National Finals were broken up into three parts: an obstacle course challenge (three-legged races, mini-puzzles, etc.,) just held in a random-ass park, a trivia night, and a final race across New Orleans.

We lagged somewhere lower-middle of the pack in the obstacle course—it was a good test for our future marriage, I guess—but figured Trivia Night was our chance to make up some ground. I was fresh out of college quiz bowl and knew my way around a pub quiz, so we got there early, picked out a good table, and had a couple drinks to prime the ol’ wellspring of trivia knowledge.

New Orleans, however, pairs pub quizzes with not just beer, but a local drink called the Hurricane.

I was, until 2012 (or whenever), not familiar with the Hurricane.

I quickly became very familiar with the Hurricane.

What happened next is mostly lost to rum-soaked memories, since the race company is long out of business and no online records exist. But I know that the hurricanes came in a 24-ounce plastic cup, we brought six of them home from New Orleans, and I drank enough that my now-wife was annoyed with me.

But we won the trivia night. We were in third place going into the final race. First prize with something like $1000. We had a chance.

We missed our bus from Metairie—not because of the hurricanes, but because of our own public transit incompetence (I could get around Chicago no problem, but New Orleans proved a different beast).

We arrived at the race over 30 minutes late. What’s more, once we got there, we misread one of the clues and, it turned out, went over three miles out of the way. I don’t know that we even technically finished. Still well worth the trip.

As for those hurricane cups?

Four of them were still useable when we got back to Minnesota. And, because we were poor undergraduates—and then poor grad students—they were integral parts of our barware right up until we married and moved in together.

Today, one of them remains.

And, a point I forgot to mention: these cups glow in the dark.

That’s a picture taken the other night on my bedside table, year of our lord 2024. Still got it!

What concerns me, though, is that I had just taken this cup out of the dishwasher. It hadn’t been out in the light, which I had been led to believe these things required to glow.

Now look. I helped create one kid who appears relatively normal, so I can’t prove that the radiation* from this thing is killing me. But what’s to say that some seedy hurricane bar in New Orleans isn’t sourcing plastic cups from the folks who brought you uranium glass? You can’t prove they didn’t!

I know we have enough scientists around these parts, so I want an answer: how much radiation have I absorbed?

Instead, I’d like you to use a Banana Equivalent Dose.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, let’s see what NASA has to teach us:

Bananas are a natural source of radioactive isotopes. A “banana equivalent dose (BED)” is a unit that compares radiation exposure to the amount you naturally get from eating a banana. 1 BED is equal to 0.001 millisievert (mSv). A lethal dose of radiation would be comparable to the radiation you would get from eating 80 million bananas!

Randall Munroe, the guy behind XKCD, has given us this helpful comic, too:

XKCD via Wikipedia

So again, your remand: prove to me how many BEDs I’m exposed to by drinking out of this glow-in-the-dark plastic hurricane cup. Thanks in advance.
*Sweet god, I know it’s phosphorescence, save me your comments.

Thursday Night

Don’t Watch This

{CONCACAF} Bonaire vs. Vinny and the Grenadines [8pm, Paramount+]

{WNBA} Washington Mystics at Phoenix Mercury (-5.5, O/U 165.5) [9pm, Prime]

{US Open} Navarro vs. Sabalenka [6pm, ESPN+]
{US Open} Pegula vs. Muchova [7:30pm, ESPN+]

Watch That

CONCACAF Nations League

Costa Rica vs. Guadeloupe: 7pm, CBS Sports Golazo/Paramount+
Guatemala vs. Martinique: 9pm, CBS Sports Golazo

Argentina vs. Chile

CONMEBOL World Cup Qualifying | 7pm | Universo

Seattle Storm vs. New York Liberty

6pm | Prime Video | NY -7.5 | O/U 164.5

Baltimore Ravens at Kansas City Chiefs

7:20pm | NBC | KC -3 | O/U 47.5

At the moment I’m currently doing absolutely no work prepping for two fantasy football drafts scheduled for Wednesday at 7pm and 8pm. One of them’s an auction league with Iowa fans, so you just throw up George Kittle and TJ Hockenson and watch them blow half their budget in round 1. Easy peasy.

Instead, I plan to use this space to live-blog a football game between the Shorter Eagles (Rome, GA) and the Mississippi College [name not found]. They’re playing at 6pm on a Wednesday, for some reason, and I for one am FIRED UP about it.

• 6:03: The feed kicks to life, and it’s Mississippi College taking the ball at their own 34 yard-line! The stream did not turn on in time for the kickoff. Amazing work.
• 6:07: It’s been a methodical drive for Mississippi, already down to the MC 8.
• 6:09: A failed run play and a botched tunnel screen, and they have to settle for a short field goal. It’s good, and it’s 3-0.
• 6:11: I’ve never been to Rome, but it appears to be your standard Southern town. There are some buildings in the background of a single set of visiting bleachers, with cars passing and the general public appearing relatively untroubled. A large earthen bank is behind one road passing the stadium, with what looks like a river behind it.
• 6:12: Shorter rips off a big run!
• 6:14: Shorter punts! It is not a very good punt.
• 6:16: The feed goes out.
• 6:17: I refresh, and the feed is back! You get what you pay for. Shorter breaks up a pass, and Mississippi College will punt. Lefty punter, which is enjoyable. It’s an awkward, 35-yard punt thanks to an 8-yard roll.
• 6:23: I’m interrupted by a FaceTime with my wife and daughter. The game, rudely, does not stop on my account. As I’m jolted back to attention on the game, Shorter is driving thanks to a pass interference penalty. But—ope—they false start. Back five yards.
• 6:27: Already bored of this game, I look up Shorter on Google Maps—for some reason they’re not playing at their home stadium, Ben Brady Field. Instead, this game is at Barron Stadium, home of Rome High School football.
• 6:29: Shorter kicks a 25-yard field goal to tie it, 3-3.
• 6:31: I’ve just unmuted for the first time, and there IS what I assume is a radio feed simulcast that is actually just the radio announcer sitting next to the person with a tripod filming this game. When the stadium plays music, you can’t hear the radio announcer over him. But when the radio cuts to commercial, you can hear the sighs and ambient noise and conversations in the background. The camera briefly pans down to the crowd below—the backs of people, filmed from a press box—and back again. It is a D-II football game on a Wednesday night in Georgia. No one is happy to be here.
• 6:33: That’s the end of the first quarter. See you Friday night!

Friday Night

Don’t Watch This

Western Illinois Leathernecks at Indiana Hoosiers [6pm, BTN]
Duke Blue Devils at Northwestern Wildcats (-2.5, O/U 37.5) [8pm, FS1]

{USL} Lhvl City vs. Loudoun United [6:30pm, ESPN+]
{CONCACAF} Puerto Rico vs. Haiti [7pm, Paramount+]
{CONCACAF} Saint Martin vs. Grenada [7pm, Paramount+]
{CONCACAF} Jamaica vs. Cuba [7pm, Paramount+]
{CONCACAF} Honduras vs. Trinidad & Tobago [8pm, Paramount+]
{CONMEBOL} Brazil vs. Ecuador [8pm, Universo]
{USL} New Mexico United vs. Miami FC [8pm, CBS Sports Golazo]
{CPL} Vancouver FC vs. York United [9pm, FS2]

{CFL} BC Lions at Montreal Alouettes [6:30pm, CBSSN]
{NFL} Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles [7:15pm, Peacock, in Brazil]

{WNBA} Dallas Wings at Atlanta Dream (-3.5, O/U 166.5) [6:30pm, ion]
{WNBA} LA Sparks at Chicago Sky [8:30pm, ion]

Watch That

BYU Cougars at SMU Cocaineponies

6pm | ESPN2 | SMU -11.5 | O/U 55.5

WNBA games

Minnesota Lynx at Indiana Fever: 6:30pm, ion, now please stop emailing me
Las Vegas Aces (-2.5) at Connecticut Sun [6:30pm, ion]

Phoenix Rising vs. FC Tulsa

USL Championship | 10pm | ESPN2

• 6:35: We’re already back for the second quarter. That break took all of 80 seconds. It’s a reminder of how slow an FBS actually is.
• 6:35: “There’s a hanky out on the field,” says the radio guy, though the flag is waved off.
• 6:36: While this announcer sounds like a Yankee, the in-stadium announcer has a thiiiiiick ‘ol drawl from somewhere in northern Georgia. I’m reminded of the Chris Young song when the girl loves his southern drawl from north of Atlanta. I don’t think it’s quite being from “south Detroit” (or Ontario or whatever), but I’m not sure a drawl from “north of Atlanta” is a thing. Clever enough songwriting for modern country music, though. I still like Chris Young’s earlier stuff better. The Man I Want To Be has some bangers.
• 6:38: Another tunnel screen goes for little, and Mississippi College will try a 37-yarder. #92 trots out and pushes it to the right. No good.
• 6:47: Misssissippi College hits a long pass down the left sideline! 43 yards! Touchdown!
• 6:48: Never mind, ineligible man downfield. The right guard. It comes back to near midfield.
• 6:54: Announcer shouts out the student section for showing up. I can’t see them, but can occasionally hear them. I suppose we’re grading on the curve of it being a Wednesday night.
• 6:55: Oh shit, it’s almost time for my first draft to start. It Shaun Alexander still a touchdown machine?
• 6:59: #33 ran the ball, but there’s no one listed as #33 on the radio man’s roster. That’s exciting!
• 7:00: Apparently this is a snake draft, not an auction draft. That’s good, as I haven’t made dinner yet. Breece Hall goes first, Christian McCaffery second, and I go third. I pick Tyreek Hill. Why didn’t I take Justin Jefferson? I kick myself, then shrug and remember none of this matters.
• 7:02: The announcer is praising how quickly the game has moved—there is 1:24 left in the first half. I know a salaried employee when I hear one.
• 7:06: That’s the second disconcerting signals penalty of the game. It’s followed by a strip-sack by Shorter—Eagles ball! They’re in field goal range!
• 7:10: The Shorter QB runs without much aim or idea of how much time is left. He’s absolutely bodied by a Mississippi College linebacker and, without timeouts, the first half expires. Thus ends the liveblog. I hope you’ve enjoyed it. This game—3-3 slog that it was—made me infinitely happier than Duke-Northwestern will.

Saturday Morning

Don’t Watch This

#3 Texas Longhorns (-7.5, O/U 42.5) at #10 Michigan Wolverines [11am, FOX]
Bowling Green Falcons at #8 Penn State Nittany Lions (-34.5, O/U 48.5) [11am, BTN]
Arkansas Razorbacks at #16 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-7.5, O/U 62.5) [11am, ABC]
#17 Kansas State Wildcats (-10, O/U 47.5) at Tulane Green Wave [11am, ESPN]
Rhode Island Rams at Minnesota Golden Gophers [11am, Peacock]
Akron Zips at Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-22.5, O/U 38.5) [11am, BTN]
Merrimack Warriors at UConn Huskies [11am, who knows]
Troy Trojans at Memphis Tigers (-18.5, O/U 57.5) [11am, ESPNU]
Army Black Knights at FAU Owls (-4, O/U 42.5) [11am, CBSSN]
McNeese Cowboys at Texas A&M Aggies [11:45am, SECN]

{CONCACAF} Bermuda vs. Dominican Republic [10am, Paramount+]
{UEFA} Georgia vs. Czech Republic [11am, fuboTV]
{UEFA} Armenia vs. Latvia [11am, fuboTV]
{UEFA} Moldova vs. Malta [11am, Fox Soccer Plus/fuboTV]
{NWSL} Washington Spirit vs. Portland Thorns [11:30am, CBS]

Watch That

UEFA Nations League

Faroe Islands vs. North Macedonia: 8am, FS1 — COME ON YOU FAROES
Ireland vs. England: 11am, FS1

#23 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets at Syracuse Orange

11am | ACCN | GT -2.5 | O/U 61.5

Pittsburgh Panthers at Cincinnati Bearcats

11am | ESPN2 | Cincy -1.5 | O/U 63.5 | PADDLEWHEEL

• 7:48: OK I was done giving updates, but I DO have to note that I came back to see Shorter scoring a touchdown to make the score 15-5, which is just EXCELLENT stuff. No idea how Mississippi College got the safety, but I hope it was hilarious.

Paddlewheel Trophy game?

Frank Victores-Imagn Images

Paddlewheel Trophy game.

MNW note: It was at this point in finishing up the article that I tried to add a poll to the article and twice got a spinning wheel of death. I think SBNation’s editor might be trying to tell me something.

Saturday Afternoon

Don’t Watch This

Tennessee Tech Golden Iggles at #1 Georgia Bulldogs [1pm, SECN+]
Missouri State Bears at Balls Tate Robotbirds [1pm, ESPN+]
St. Francis (PA) Red Flash at Kent State Golden Flashes WE GOT A FLASH-OFF [1:30pm, ESPN+]
Utah Tech Trailblazers at UNLV Rebels [2pm, MWN]
NIU Huskies at #5 Notre Dame Domers (-28, O/U 44.5) [2:30pm, NBC]
Baylor Bears at #11 Utah Utes (-15, O/U 54.5) [2:30pm, FOX]
Jacksonville State RichRods at #22 Lhvl Crdnls (-28.5, O/U 57.5) [2:30pm, ACCNX]
California Golden Bears at Auburn Tigers (-13, O/U 53.5) [2:30pm, ESPN2]
Sakerlina at Kentuckuh (-10, O/U 42.5) [2:30pm, ABC]
Michigan State Spartans at September Maryland (-8.5, O/U 43.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
Eastern Michigan Eagles at Washington Huskies (-24.5, O/U 47.5) [2:30pm, BTN]
South Dakota Coyotes at wisconsin badgers [2:30pm, FS1]
UMass Minutemen at Toledo Rockets (-18, O/U 51.5) [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Duquesne Dukes at Boston College Eagles [2:30pm, ESPN+]
Charlotte 49ers at UNC Tar Heels (-22.5, O/U 46.5) [2:30pm, ACCN]
Temple Owls at Navy Midshipmen (-12.5, O/U 42.5) [2:30pm, CBSSN]
MTSU Blue Raiders at #6 Ole Miss Rebels (-41, O/U 63.5) [3:15pm, SECN]
Marshall Thundering Herd at Virginia Tech Hokies (-20.5, O/U 51.5) [3:30pm, The CW]

{UEFA} Netherlands vs. Bosnia & Herzegovina [1:45pm, FS2]
{UEFA} Germany vs. Hungary [1:45pm, fuboTV]
{UEFA} Ukraine vs. Albania [1:45pm, Fox Soccer Plus/fuboTV]
{CONCACAF} Turks & Caicos vs. Belize [2pm, Paramount+]
{CONCACAF} Bahamas vs. Barbados [3pm, Paramount+]
{CONCACAF} Dominica vs. Antigua & Barbuda [3pm, Paramount+]
{Friendly} USA vs. Canada [3pm, Peacock, Telemundo/Universo]
{CONCACAF} Cayman Islands vs. St. Kitts and Nevis [3:30pm, Paramount+]

Watch That

Idaho Vandals at Wyoming Cowboys

2:30pm | truTV | line, total on Friday

UTSA Roadrunners at Texas State Bobcats

3pm | ESPNU | Texas State -1 | O/U 63.5 | I-35

Stop It, Get Help

¡Iowa State Cyclones at #21 Iowa Hawkeyes!

2:30pm | CBS | Iowa -2.5 | O/U 35.5

• 8:34: There’s 4:32 left in the second half, and we are officially on FÜNFWATCH—it’s 29-5, Shorter.

It seems impossible that Wyoming and Idaho have only played 8 times in their existence. The Vandals won the first matchup, in 1921. Since then, Wyoming has won all 7 games.

Then again, the interior West is a vast and scary place, and Moscow is in Idaho’s northwest, while Laramie is in Wyoming’s southeast. It would take 15:25 to drive from one to the other. Never mind.

I-35 TROPHY?

I-35 trophy.

But why is it so hard to just do a road sign, guys? Even UW-Stout and UW-Eau Claire have this shit (almost) figured out:

Eau Claire Leader-Telegram

Update: it has been brought to my understanding that the trophy for the sports-wide series between the two is a road sign. However, I repeat my call that they play for a road sign in football, too. Have this one still be on the post from when they ripped it out of the ground.

Saturday Evening

Don’t Watch This

Florida A&M Rattlers at #12 Miami Fluoride Hurricanes [5pm, ACCNX]
UAlbany Great Danes at West Virginia Mountaineers [5pm, ESPN+]
Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs at James Madison Dukes [5pm, ESPN+]
ECU Pirates at ODU Monarchs [5pm, ESPN+]
USA Jaguars (-1.5, O/U 57.5) at Ohio Bobcats [5pm, ESPN+]
Sam Houston Bearkats at Florida Tech Citronauts (-23, O/U 57.5) [5:30pm, ESPN+]
USF Brahman Bulls at #4 Alabama Crimson Tide (-31, O/U 63.5) [6pm, ESPN]
Buffalo Regular Bulls at #9 Missouri Tigers (-34.5, O/U 52.5) [6pm, SECN+]
Samford Bulldogs at Florida Gators [6pm, SECN+]
Bill & Mary at Coastal Carolina [6pm, ESPN+]
Eastern Kentucky Colonels at Western Kentucky Hilltoppers [6pm, ESPN+]
Chattanooga Mocs at Georgia State Panthers [6pm, ESPN+]
Cal Poly Mustangs at Stanford Cardinal [6pm, ACCNX]
Virginia Cavaliers at Wake Forest Demon Deacons (-2, O/U 56.5) [6pm, ESPN2]
Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns (-15.5, O/U 47.5) at Kennesaw State Owls [6pm, ESPN+]
San Jose State Spartans at Air Force Falcons (-6.5, O/U 45.5) [6pm, CBSSN]
Northern Colorado Bears at Colorado State Rams [6pm, MWN]
UAB Blazers (-13, O/U 53.5) at UL Monroe Warhawks [6pm, ESPN+]
SE Louisiana Lions at Southern Miss Golden Iggles [6pm, ESPN+]
Texas Southern Tigers at Rice Owls [6pm, ESPN+]
Western Michigan Broncos at #2 Ohio State Buckeyes (-38, O/U 54.5) [6:30pm, BTN]
#14 Tennessee Volunteers (-8, O/U 60.5) at #24 NC State Wolfpack [6:30pm, ABC, in Charlotte]
Nicholls Colonels at #18 LSU Tigers [6:30pm, SECN+]
Alcorn State Braves at Vanderbilt Commodores [6:30pm, why on earth is this on ESPNU]
Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks at North Texas Mean Green [6:30pm, ESPN+]
Houston Cougars at #15 Oklahoma Sooners (-30, O/U 49.5) [6:45pm, SECN]
Appalachian State Mountaineers at #25 Clemson Tigers (-16.5, O/U 53.5) [7pm, ACCN]
Long Island Sharks at TCU Horned Frogs [7pm, ESPN+]

{CPL} Forge vs. Cavalry [6pm, Fox Soccer Plus]
{NWSL} Kansas City Current vs. Utah Royals [6:30pm, Tubi/ion]

{MLB} Minnesota Twins at Kansas City Royals [6:15pm, FOX] —OR—
{MLB} Chicago White Sox at Boston Red Sox [6:15pm, FOX]

¡DALE!

Central Michigan Chippewas at FIU Sunblazers

5pm | ESPN+ | CMU -6.5 | O/U 51.5 | ¡DALE!

Watch That

#19 Kansas Jayhawks at Illinois Fighting Illini

6pm | FS1 | KU -5.5 | O/U 55.5

Georgia Southern Eagles at Nevada Wolf Pack

6pm | truTV | GASo -1 | O/U 58.5

Tulsa Golden Hurricane at Arkansas State Red Wolves

6pm | ESPN+ | ARSt -7.5 | O/U 65.5

Colorado Buffaloes at Nebraska Cornhuskers

6:30pm | NBC | UNL -7.5 | O/U 58.5

• 8:42: IT’S OVER! WE GOT US A FÜNF!

Look, the two Big Ten games deserve your eyeballs here—unless you’re really into Tennessee-NC State in a novelty game or the stupidity that will be UVA-Wake Forest, I understand that.

But there are a few noteworthy games with good point totals and opportunities for real G5 slapdickery. I’m particularly intrigued by Tulsa-Arkansas State, as I believe Kevin Wilson was already running it up on Northwestern State in the opener. Nevada is bad but Georgia Southern also offers little in the way of defense. Plus, I mean...

¡DALE!

Anyway. If you’re looking for what makes rivalries great?

BATTLE OF THE BLUEGRASS.

It’s late and I’m drunk...

Don’t Watch This

Southern Utah Thunderbirds at UTEP Miners [8pm, ESPN+]
Boise State Broncos at Oregon Ducks (-19.5, O/U 61.5) [9pm, Le Coq]
Northern Arizona Lumberjacks at Arizona Wildcats [9pm, ESPN+]
Sac State BEEEEES at Fresno State Bulldogs [9pm, MWN]
New Mexico State plays [9:15pm, ESPN2]
Utah State Aggies at USC Trojans (-28.5, O/U 63.5) [10pm, BTN]

{Friendly} Mexico vs. New Zealand [8pm, TUDN/Univision]
{CPL} Pacific vs. HFX Wanderers [9pm, FS2]
{USL} lots of other soccer that you’re not watching anyway; why do i bother

Watch That

Texas Tech Red Raiders at Washington State Cougars

9pm | FOX | Wazzu -2.5 | O/U 65.5

Mississippi State Bulldogs at Arizona State Sun Devils

9:30pm | ESPN | ASU -6 | O/U 59.5

Oregon State Beavers at San Diego State Aztecs

9:30pm | CBSSN | OU -6 | O/U 55.5

Lokomotiv El Paso vs. Detroit City

USL Championship | 8pm | ESPN+

Been a long time since we’ve had a drunk slate look this good. That’s some ACTION right there.

I wonder how long it will be until BTN stops playing B1G-PAC games at 8pm local time, because there can’t be anyone other than degenerates staying up to watch that shit. Right?

I’m excited for NAU-Arizona if for no other reason than every time I see “Northern Arizona”—even spelled out fully—I get this stuck in my head for at least the next 20 minutes:

Good luck to you.

Enjoy the games, everybody. Get back to me on those bananas.