Day 1
Today I shall END the war in Ukraine! But later, because first MY INAUGURATION!
Amazing day! Melania wears a big hat. Try to kiss her, nearly break my nose.
She says she can’t see anything above her, including my face and almost all of Barron. Jeff Bezos brings Lauren Sánchez. BREASTS!
My speech goes GREAT. Rename the Gulf of America! And Mount McKinley in Alaska. If those Eskimos don’t like what we call it they should go back where they came from. Eventually I’ll give Greenland an English name too. Who even knows what that word means now? Could be ANYTHING.
Day 2
Forgot to end war. Whoops! But no time today. Mainly signing executive orders. Sign so many my little hands ache! Then Elon comes by. Says he’s worried about the Village People, who played for me the other night.
“Good people,” I say. “Proper blue-collar guys with proper jobs. Construction worker! Cowboy! Cop!”
“But the Indian?” Elon says. “That’s a job?”
“Good point,” I say. “Sounds DEI.”
Then he does something with his arm on the way out.
“Nice wave,” I say. “Catchy.”
“I’m just trying it out,” Elon says. “It went viral.”
Day 3
Speak to Xi Jinping in China. Gotta do a deal. He’s Asian, you know. Funny how many of those guys are. Seems basically all of them. Elon is right. DEI is OUTTA CONTROL.
Day 4
Free all the Capitol riot patriots. Including the guy with the horns. Also announce plans to deport millions of people and to end the system of birthright citizenship which has been the foundation of our nation since 1968. Quiet day, really. Bit bored.
Day 5
Get Pete Hegseth confirmed at Defence. Call to say congrats.
“I’m not drunk,” he says. Bit odd.
Then he says it’s great that our military is now controlled by proper men with dust on their boots.
“Men,” I say, “like us.”
“You wore boots?” Pete says.
“Not personally,” I say. “Bone spurs.”
Day 6
Call my friend Bibi. Get wrong number first, because there’s two Bibis in my phone. The other one’s a stripper.
“Got a great plan!” I say. “Send the Gazans to Jordan and Egypt! Instant peace!”
Bibi says this is a totally amazing idea that literally nobody has ever had before.
Reminds me, haven’t ended war in Ukraine yet! What am I like?
Day 7
Put a bunch of undesirable immigrants in chains on a plane and send them to Colombia. Their president says they can’t land. Threaten sanctions and he changes his mind.
“Because no decent country,” I tell him, “can be held to ransom by madmen and criminals!”
“Listen to yourself,” he says.
Day 8
Ban transgender people from the military. Call Pete Hegseth.
“I’m not drunk,” he says.
Day 9
Ban lots of proper journalists from White House press briefings and replace them with AMAZING bloggers and podcasters.
“Does the President agree,” somebody asks at the next press conference, “that this was a tremendous idea?”
“Yes,” I say.
Day 10
Quiet day. Eat seven burgers.
Day 11
Terrible plane and helicopter crash in Washington DC. Blame DWARFS.
Day 12
Mainly golf.
Day 13
Announce tariffs on Mexico, Canada and China. The Mexican PM calls first and asks if we can make a deal.
“Hey wow!” I say. “My Spanish is better than I thought!”
“I’m speaking English,” she says.
“Doubt it,” I say.
“Listen,” she says. “This hurts both of us. What can I give you to calm you down?”
“Fentanyl,” I say.
“Actually, that would probably work,” says the Mexican, sounding surprised.
Day 14
Elon says US Aid is a criminal organisation and needs to DIE. Apparently they’re only pretending to be fighting malaria, infant mortality and hunger. And are actually fighting me.
Also, I get a call from Justin Trudeau in Canada. And I tell him he’s not so good looking and my wife DEFINITELY doesn’t find him more attractive than me.
“Right,” he says. “But can we do anything about these tariffs?”
“No,” I say. “This is for ever. I’ll never back down!”
Day 15
Markets slump. Back down.
Day 16
Decide to get rid of all the Gazans, claim the land for America and turn it into the GAZA RIVIERA! Call Bibi to tell him.
“I don’t do house calls,” she says, “and this time you’ll have to sit on your hands.”
Call other Bibi.
Day 17
Tariffs on China. China responds with tariffs on us! Bit shocked. Totally didn’t see this coming.
Day 18
Elon comes by to talk about sacking more people.
“Talk away,” I say. “But why did you bring your kids?”
Elon says they’re not his kids. They’re the staff of Doge.
“Fair enough,” I say. “Leave your skateboards by the door.”
Then he says there’s all kinds of stuff to slash, but obviously we do still need to fund the mission to Mars.
“Martian Riviera?” I say. “Any beaches?”
“It’s basically all beach,” Elon says.
I’m sold.
Day 19
Announce I’ll never back down on tariffs to China. Then I back down on tariffs to China. Get bored in the afternoon and pick a fight with South Africa. Bit listless, tbh.
Day 20
Back in Mar-a-Lago. Don Jr is visiting. He’s in trouble in Italy for shooting a rare duck.
“Rare ducks are losers,” I say. “We like successful ducks.”
Don Jr says as far as he’s concerned, anything that’s dumb enough to get shot in the first place basically deserves it.
“Yes,” I say. “Wait. Except for me.”
Day 21
Officially rename the GULF OF AMERICA. It’s our gulf now. Flying to New Orleans for the Super Bowl. Call Marco Rubio on the way.
“It’s so cool,” I tell him. “If I do nothing else, I’ll have reminded the world that there’s a massive gulf between Florida and the rest of the world!”
Although Marco reckons people already know.
Also, I get Marco to listen in on a call with Justin Trudeau, where I tell him I’m totally serious about making Canada our CHERISHED 51ST STATE.
“Because the line of separation drawn many years ago is completely artificial!” I say.
“But that’s also true of literally every border in the world,” Trudeau says.
“For God’s sake,” Marco says, “don’t give him any ideas.”
Day 22
Get asked on TV whether JD Vance will definitely be my successor. Say not necessarily, because he’s not done anything mad enough yet. JD calls afterwards. He says to give it a week.
Day 23
Elon turns up in the Oval Office with a kid on his shoulders.
“And this,” he says, “is X Æ A-Xii!”
Not sure what that’s all about. I called my first kid “Donald”.
Day 24
Decide I’d better do something about Ukraine. Call Putin. Tell him we want peace. Call Zelensky. Tell him the same thing. Job done, I reckon.
Day 25
Confirm Robert F Kennedy Jr as health secretary. He doesn’t believe in vaccines, he’s got a worm in his brain, and he once ate a dog.
“This is so exciting!” I tell him. “I literally cannot think of anyone better for this very important job!”
“Hey, wow,” RFK Jr says. “Have you got a worm in your brain too?”
Day 26
JD Vance is at the Munich security conference. He just told all the Europeans that the greatest threat to their freedom wasn’t Russian tanks and bombs, but actually something about Britain arresting some guy near an abortion clinic. That kid knows how to keep his promises.
Day 27
Pete Hegseth calls to say he’s in Munich too.
“Not just for the beer,” he adds, really quickly.
Day 28
Go to the Daytona 500 in Florida. Do a circuit around the track in my limousine. Win!
“Sir,” my driver says afterwards. “Nobody else was racing yet.”
“Rubbish,” I say.
Day 29
Elon fires loads of people from national parks, nuclear power plants, food safety and air traffic control.
“Although obviously if the reactors melt down, everyone gets poisoned, wild animals take over or airplanes fall out of the sky,” he says, “we’ll just hire them again.”
Can’t believe the Dems say we’re doing this irresponsibly!
Also, send little Marco Rubio to meet the Russian Sergei Lavrov.
“Say yes,” I tell him.
“What to?” he says.
“Don’t make this complicated,” I say.
Day 30
Do a joint interview with Elon in the Oval Office to show how much I DIDN’T MIND Time magazine putting him on the cover and calling him “President Musk”.
“Big deal,” I say. “A Time magazine cover? Who cares? Not once have I cared about being on the cover. Which I have been, by the way, 43 times. As you’ll see on the wall. Behind you. Just there.”
“There’s no rivalry here,” Elon says.
“None,” I say.
“And if I could just add …” Elon says.
“No,” I say. “You can’t. Shut up.”
Day 31
Call Zelensky “a dictator” after he said I was trapped in a Russian disinformation bubble. That SCHMUCK. What a TYRANT.
Also, I block New York congestion charging, and tweet a picture of myself saying: “LONG LIVE THE KING!”
Literally, this happened on the same day. You’ll think somebody is making it up, as a cheap joke. But NO!
Day 32
Elon goes to the Conservative Political Action Conference and waves a chainsaw around.
“Chainsaw!” he yells. “Chainsaw for bureaucracy! Chainsaw!”
“So funny,” I tell him afterwards. “Where did you even get that?”
“National Park Service!” Elon says. “They’ve got loads spare! Because I just fired a thousand lumberjacks!”
Day 33
Reinstate legal aid for unaccompanied immigrant children three days after cutting it off. Might cut it again tomorrow. Might not. Eat seven burgers.
Day 34
Elon tells me he’s emailed all federal workers, demanding they tell him five things they did this week or else we’d sack them.
“Brilliant!” I say. “And what else have you done this week?”
“Nothing,” he says. “Why?”
Day 35
Golf. Cheat.
Day 36
Third anniversary of the Ukraine war. Veto a UN resolution condemning Russia. Also, meet with Emmanuel Macron in Washington. Lots of touching.
“Monsieur President,” he says. “We must have les European peacekeepers in Ukraine!”
“Putin will accept this,” I say, grandly.
“But Putin says he won’t,” Macron says.
Not sure how this is my problem.
Then we have a thumb war. Cheat.
Day 37
Tell the Republicans to pass a bill about taxes.
“But what’s in it?” some say.
“It’s BIG and BEAUTIFUL,” I explain.
“Thank you,” they say. “This is enough information for us.”
Day 38
Tweet a video of the Gaza Riviera. There’s a huge golden statue of me! Bibi and I are drinking cocktails! Plus Elon is in a nightclub, throwing dollars around.
“You’re the expert,” I say to Elon. “Is this real?”
“Neither of us have been there,” Elon says, doubtfully. “And the women all have beards.”
“You’re right,” I say. “I suppose we’ll never know.”
Also, there’s a measles outbreak in Texas. RFK Jr says it’s fine.
Day 39
Visit from the Brit Keir Starmer. Elon and JD say he’s a communist, but I like the guy. Think he wants to kiss me.
“And now,” he says, giving me a letter, “this!”
“Am I supposed to read it right now?” I say.
“Yes,” he says.
“It’s not that I can’t,” I say. “I’m an excellent reader. The best! But you do it.”
Anyway, we’re going back to the UK for another state visit! With the King! And his wife!
Who is not, by the way, as hot as the last one. Something coulda happened there. I always thought it. Real shame.
Day 40
Zelensky comes to see me and JD. Not in a suit. Asshole.
“You’re gambling with World War Three!” I tell him.
“By … not wearing a suit?” he says.
And then we shout at him a bit, and throw him out.
“That guy,” JD says afterwards, “seems to have watched literally no videos about this conflict on X.”
“He’s had it easy,” I say.
“He’s been protected,” JD says.
“He’s never had to deal with proper tough guys,” I say. “Like us.”
Day 41
Today lots of people are saying we had a fight with Zelensky on purpose, as part of a plan. But that’s NOT IT! We’re just DICKS!
Day 42
RFK Jr now says people in Texas should get vaccinated against measles.
“But you said the opposite,” I tell him, “four days ago.”
“That wasn’t me speaking,” RFK Jr says. “That was the worm.”
Day 43
Pause all military aid to Ukraine. Might pause intelligence too. Lotsa people are gonna die. But for their own good.
Day 44
Address a joint session of Congress. Speak for almost two hours. Don’t really say anything.
Day 45
JD has upset the Brits and French by saying troops in Ukraine would be “from some random country that hasn’t fought a war in 30 or 40 years”.
“That’s not great,” says Marco, who has been getting a lot of angry calls.
“Big deal,” JD says. “So they’ve fought a few? They’ve all been disasters.”
“Well, yeah,” Marco says. “But so have ours.”
Also, I put tariffs back on Canada and Mexico. This time it’s final! I will NEVER REVERSE.
Day 46
Markets plunge. Reverse.
Day 47
Big airstrikes on Ukraine. More deaths. That Nobel peace prize is in my grasp!
“OK, Zelensky has backed down,” I tell Marco Rubio, who has just come back from Saudi Arabia. “Tell those Russkies they could stop the war and have peace tomorrow!”
Marco says that has been true for the past three years, though.
Then he says the Russians have demands first about some stuff that Ukraine needs to stop doing.
“Such as?” I say.
“Existing,” he says.
“Not off the table,” I say.
Day 48
Big fight between Marco and Elon about cutting US Aid. The fake news found out and wrote about it, fakely. But they were also right.
“You guys,” I tell them both, “need to see eye to eye.”
“He’ll have to stand on a chair,” Elon says.
“Hey, well done,” Marco says. “And to think people say none of your jokes are funny.”
“This guy,” Elon says, “can’t name one person the government should fire!”
“Oh yes I can,” Marco says.
Day 49
Asked on TV whether my policies could lead to a recession.
“Maybe!” I say.
Must google what a recession is.
Day 50
Detain a student for taking part in Palestine protests.
“Because there’s no place in this country,” I tell the team, “for troublesome aliens!”
“Or any aliens!” JD says.
“What about Elon?” Marco says.
Day 51
Nobody is buying Teslas any more. Elon’s really glum.
“You’ve been treated so unfairly,” I tell him, before driving a big red one around outside the White House.
Speaking of which, you wanna buy one? I can get you a good deal. He’s desperate. Sad!
Day 52
Impose tariffs around the world, on stuff like aluminum. Canada and the EU retaliate. Britain doesn’t.
“Well done!” I say to Keir Starmer. “How come you’re the only people who get this?”
“I don’t think we even have aluminum,” Starmer says. “We only have aluminium, which must be something else.”
Day 53
Now I’m threatening 200 per cent tariffs on EU wine and champagne.
“But not beer,” Pete Hegseth says. “Please God, not beer.”
Day 54
Declare war on some lawyers. Not my own lawyers, obviously. Real ones.
Day 55
Pete says we’re doing some bombing in the Middle East.
“Yeah, man!” I say.
“Apparently that’s not quite how you pronounce it,” he says, “but yes. Houthis?”
“Me,” I say. “The President. Are you drunk again?”
Then Pete says it’s all top secret, anyway, so he’s hardly told anyone. Then he pulls out his phone, and says, “Woah!”
“Woah!” says Mike Waltz, who is looking at his phone too.
“That was a big one,” says JD, who is also looking at his.
“I’ll say!” says the lady who has just come in with the sandwich trolley, who seems to be reading hers too.
Day 56
Yesterday we were banned from deporting hundreds of people to Venezuela. So today, obviously, we’re deporting hundreds of people to Venezuela.
“Just so you know,” says my guy at the justice department, “this will cause a fuss. Because they probably do deserve due process.”
“Oh, I’m tempted,” I tell him. “Believe you me. But then people really would call me America’s Hitler!”
“Due process,” says the justice guy. “Due. Dee, yoo, eee.”
Day 57
Cancel Secret Service protection for Joe Biden’s kids. Waste of taxpayer money! Insane to think they face any risk! Also, somebody should get ’em.
Big day tomorrow. We’re releasing all the documents about the assassination of JFK! Finally America will know the truth!
Day 58
Turns out it was Lee Harvey Oswald. Called RFK Jr. No reply. He’s probably on a cleanse.
Day 59
Finally speak to Zelensky. I tell him Vlad has agreed to a partial ceasefire and he has to too.
“This,” I say, “has been a great call! And now we’ll tell everyone that you finally agree I’m right!”
“But I haven’t said anything yet,” he says.
Day 60
Start dismantling the Department of Education. It’s making our young people go mad!
Also, a record number of them just voted for me.
Day 61
Tell Elon he can’t be included in briefings about war with China.
“You’re a good guy,” I say. “But you do business over there. So if you knew we were planning a war, you might tell them!”
“You’re planning a war?” Elon says.
“Whoops,” I say.
Day 62
JD says his wife is going to Greenland with our security guy Mike Waltz.
“Sad!” I say. “But I always said she was too hot for you. And we’ll get her back when we invade!”
“Not sure you’re quite getting this,” JD says.
Day 63
Judges still making a fuss about the Venezuela thing. Pathetic.
“They’re criminals,” I say. “Gang members! It’s obvious. Tattoos!”
“Pete has tattoos,” says Marco, who seems edgy.
“Yeah,” Pete says. “But at least mine are basically Nazi ones.”
Day 64
Big disaster! Seems some journalist ended up in a Signal chat group about the strike on Yemen!
“I don’t get it,” says Mike Waltz. “We were so careful!”
“I don’t get it, either,” says the cleaner, from the toilet next door. “I recognised every name.”
Turns out this could be a real problem. Pete has been accused of leaking war plans!
“I wasn’t drunk,” he says.
“You look drunk,” Marco says.
“What, now?” he says. “Oh, God yes. Now I’m shit-faced.”
Day 65
Meeting about the Signal thing. Our top lawyer says it could be a crisis.
“You guys had a chat group,” Elon says, “without me?”
“That’s not the crisis,” the lawyer says.
“I think it is,” Elon says.
Then the lawyer says at least they can’t publish the whole transcript because it’s probably classified information.
“Out of interest,” says Tulsi Gabbard, my director of intelligence, “does it matter I just told the Senate that it wasn’t classified information?”
“Kinda,” the lawyer says.
Day 66
Now the journalist has published all of it. And there’s a bit where JD and Pete talk about how much they hate the Europeans for being freeloaders.
“I’m not sorry,” JD says. “They are. It’s pathetic that they rely on us for securing the Suez Canal! Who ever let them get away with that?”
“I wonder,” Marco says, “if you’ve heard of the Suez Crisis?”
JD looks blank. So Marco says he’ll put the Wikipedia entry in the more secure Signal group they set up yesterday.
“Hey wow,” says one of the White House gardeners, waving his iPhone through the open window. “I never knew about that at all.”
Day 67
“They weren’t war plans,” Pete says, doggedly. “They were just plans for war!”
“It’s done,” JD says. “We got away with it. The Fake News are morons with the memory of a goldfish. In a week, it’ll be like it never happened.”
“I have no idea,” I say, “what you are all talking about.”
Day 68
Now JD has gone to Greenland with his wife.
“Do they love us?” I ask him, on the satellite phone.
JD says it’s hard to say, because local protests meant they actually only went to a US military base, which is almost a thousand miles away from anyone else.
“Usha is pissed,” he says. “We had to cancel a trip on a dog sled!”
“She should be relieved,” I say. “That would have taken ages.”
Day 69
More people have been vandalising Teslas. Elon is VERY SAD.
“It’s so bad!” I say. “This morning I saw a picture of a Cybertruck and somebody had stripped off all the panels.”
“That’s something else,” Elon says. “They fall off by themselves.”
Day 70
Get asked again whether I’ll stand in the next election. Can’t believe they think there’s going to be another election! LOL!
Day 71
Big fuss over Elon getting access to the federal payroll.
“Can’t believe how little government employees guys earn!” he says.
“Why do you think I launched that cryptocurrency?” I say.
Day 72
BIG defeat for our candidate for the Supreme Court from Florida, even though Elon paid loads of people loads of money and everybody on X still loves him.
“It’s almost like there are other people out there,” he says, uncertainly.
Day 73
LIBERATION DAY! Tariffs on EVERYWHERE! Particularly on all those assholes who buy NONE of our stuff. PERFIDIOUS!
“Did you know,” says Howard Lutnick, my commerce secretary, “those assholes in Lesotho buy basically no Teslas or iPhones at all.”
Marco says their median income is less than $300 a month. And they’ve hardly got any roads.
“Non-tariff barriers,” Howard says. “Sneaky.”
Then he says the WORST are the Europeans, who say our food is unhealthy.
“I mean, they’re not wrong,” RFK Jr says.
“Not now, Robert,” I say. “You ate a dog.”
Day 74
THE OPERATION IS OVER! THE PATIENT LIVED! Also the markets are PLUNGING and Scott Bessent is being SICK in a BIN!
Day 75
Still lots of pushback about LIBERATION DAY. Turns out we’ve put tariffs on an island where everyone is a penguin. But do the penguins buy iPhones? NO!
Day 76
Haters and losers are marching across America, complaining. My approval ratings are down to their lowest yet. But today, the stock markets didn’t fall AT ALL.
“It’s Saturday,” Bessent says. “They’re closed.”
“So?” I say.
Day 77
Further economic turmoil. But my message is clear. DON’T BE A PANICAN!
“Is that the same thing,” Elon asks, “as a penguin?”
“Different,” Howard Lutnick says. “Bigger bill.”
“Not that there could be a bigger bill,” Elon says, grimly.
Day 78
Conference call with America’s billionaires. They’re freaking out because they woke up to markets plunging in Asia.
“Relax,” I say. “That’s just the yips.”
“The what?” Mark Zuckerberg says.
“Facebook is so woke,” Elon says. “On X you can call them whatever you like.”
“Donald,” Jeff Bezos says. “Do something! I’ve lost $43 billion!”
“I’ve lost $135 billion,” Elon says.
“Yeah,” Jeff says. “But I need to pay for a wedding.”
Day 79
Bond market a mess. More yips. My economic adviser Peter Navarro says it’s Elon’s own fault he’s upset.
“Because you don’t really build cars,” he says. “You only assemble them.”
“You’re dumber than a bag of bricks,” Elon says.
“Your jokes are weird and unfunny,” Peter says.
“OK, now I’m really upset,” Elon says.
Day 80
People should know that I will NEVER BACK DOWN. Also, today is a GREAT DAY TO BUY! Because I just backed down. No further questions.
Day 81
Scott says our phones are ringing and ringing with countries that want to make a deal.
“Which would be great,” he adds, “if Elon hadn’t sacked everybody who might answer them.”
Day 82
Didn’t back down on China. Now China has raised tariffs on us too. So we raise ours even more. And so do they.
“Not sure this is working,” Scott says.
“Don’t worry!” I say. “I have a GREAT PLAN for what to do next!”
“Let me guess,” Scott says.
I beam.
Day 83
Steve Witkoff calls to say he spoke with Vladimir Putin in St Petersburg yesterday.
“Oh yeah,” I say. “Totally forgot about all that.”
“Thought you might have done,” Steve says.
“PEACE,” I tell him, “is just around the CORNER!”
Day 84
Massive Russian strikes on Ukraine. At least 35 dead.
Then I spend a while talking about all the HATERS and LOSERS who didn’t believe I’d SAVE America’s economy, BRING BACK manufacturing, END crime, do BEAUTIFUL deals around the world, build the GAZA RIVIERA and take CONTROL of Canada, Greenland and Panama.
“But husband is currently eating burger,” Melania points out. “For breakfast.”
“Doesn’t matter,” I say, cheerfully. “Can’t cheat the science!”
“But can cheat,” Melania says, “at golf.”
Day 85
Met with President El Salvador from the South American country of Bukele.
“Actually,” the president says, “it’s the opposite.”
“Whatever,” I say.
Then we talk about some guy I’ve sent to jail in his country, who the federal courts say definitely shouldn’t be there.
“But it’s not up to me,” I shrug, “to tell you who you should let outta jail.”
“And it’s not up to me,” the El Salvador guy smirks, “to tell you who to let back into America!”
Seems that’s that, then.
Day 86
Start a fight with Harvard University. This is for a variety of EXTREMELY IMPORTANT reasons to do with freedom of speech and DEI. And definitely not because Barron didn’t get in.
Day 87
RFK Jr drops by to explain how he’s going to prevent autism. Because it has to end!
“These people,” he explains, “will never go on a date and will never pay taxes!”
“I’ve been on some dates,” Elon says.
Day 88
Meet with Giorgia Meloni from Italy. Hot!
“We gotta do a trade deal with the EU,” I tell her. “Because right now, it’s very unfair. For example, we eat Italian pizza! So you gotta eat American pizza!”
“I have justa done a smalla vomita,” Meloni says, politely, “inna my mouth.”
Day 89
Still not got peace in Ukraine! Tell Marco Rubio to say that if it doesn’t happen soon, we’ll stop even trying!
“Non, non!” says Emmanuel Macron, calling me later. “But that will make such an enormous and terrible difference!”
“It’s funny,” I tell him, “because that’s exactly what Keir Starmer just said. And his voice went all tight and weird in the middle too!”
Day 90
Pete Hegseth says there’s about to be another story about him sharing war stuff on Signal. This time it’s his wife, his brother and his lawyer.
“Does this hurt us?” I ask Elon, because I don’t really understand this Signal stuff.
“Hurts me,” Elon says. “How many other chat groups was I not in?”
Day 91
JD Vance calls from Rome to say he just met Pope Francis.
“I was going to cancel,” he says, “because I’ve got a bit of a cold. But then I thought, nah.”
Day 92
Pope dead. Sad! You know, I coulda been a great pope. Maybe a better pope? People say. Spoke about him, anyway. On the balcony. Said some nice words. Solemn! Dignified! Special! Was standing next to Melania. And a really massive rabbit.
Day 93
Elon says he needs to step back. Tesla profits are down by 71 per cent.
“How can all these people now hate me and find me so annoying?” he whines.
“It’s weird,” I agree. “They don’t even know you. It took me, like, a month.”
Then I call Pete, to discuss these rumours I’m about to sack him.
“I’m not drinking,” he says.
“Start,” I say.
Day 94
Still no peace in Ukraine. Really annoying. Was supposed to have a Nobel prize by now. Told Zelensky he needs to give up Crimea. Starmer and Macron call. Not happy.
“But Donald,” Starmer says, “this is appeasement!”
“Like I promised!” I remind him.
“Pardon,” Macron says, “mais do you actually know what ‘appeasement’ means?”
“You bet I do!” I say. “The Nobel prize for appeasement here I come!”
Day 95
Big Russian bombs in Kyiv. Some people are saying I need to be harder on Putin.
“Vladimir, STOP!” I post on Truth Social. That should do it.
Day 96
Speak to Time magazine. They want to know how the whole tariff thing is going.
“Great!” I say. “I’ve done trade deals with 200 countries! A hundred per cent! Fact!”
“But Mr President,” the journalist says, “there only are 195 countries. And one of them is us.”
“Yeah,” I say. “That’s just how good I am.”
Day 97
Go to the Vatican for Pope’s funeral. Reminds me of Mar-a-Lago. Bit more drab.
In the middle of it all, I sit down with Zelensky, next to the coffin.
“Still no suit, huh?” I say.
“My friend,” he says. “Putin is tapping you along. Please realise. He doesn’t want peace at all.”
“Wow,” I say. “This is a revelation! That Pope guy shoulda got us together sooner!”
“Speaking of the Pope,” Zelensky says, “you know he wore a funny hat?”
I’m learning so much!
Day 98
Back home. Might do a trade deal with INDIA. Although I’m annoyed that iPhone production is shifting there from CHINA. They should be making PATRIOTIC iPhones HERE!
“They can’t,” Scott Bessent says. “A US-made iPhone would cost almost four thousand dollars.”
“That would be bad,” I muse.
“Although on the plus side,” Marco says, “maybe then Pete couldn’t afford one …”
Day 99
Can’t BELIEVE it’s been almost 100 days! Am having a rare breakfast with Melania.
“Burger?” I say.
“No,” she says.
Then I spend a while talking about all the HATERS and LOSERS who didn’t believe I’d SAVE America’s economy, BRING BACK manufacturing, END crime, do BEAUTIFUL deals around the world, build the GAZA RIVIERA and take CONTROL of Canada, Greenland and Panama.
“But husband,” Melania says. “You haff not actually done any of them.”
“Be fair,” I say. “It’s only day 99.”
Day 100
Just realised I haven’t made peace in Ukraine yet, either. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow?
*according to Hugo Rifkind
